After dropping the kids at daycare, I slid into my meeting with barely thirty seconds to spare.
I kept repeating the same reassurance I’d clung to for weeks.
I’d carried Carl through losing his job.
Now it was my turn to lean on him.
That’s what marriage was supposed to be.
That evening, after finally settling both children, I collapsed onto the couch beside my husband while he watched television.
“Long day,” I said.
“Yeah, mine too. Job stuff,” Carl replied.
“How’d it go?”
“Slow,” he answered. “Hey, babe. Not to be a jerk, but once things settle down, maybe you should really think about going to the gym. You’ve gained a lot of weight lately.”
I slowly turned toward him.
“Sorry?”
“I just mean, Alice makes it look so easy. The classes and everything. Might be good for you.”
Alice was Carl’s new sister-in-law—Steve’s wife.
I laughed because crying into a spit-up-covered throw pillow seemed even worse.
Between work, sleepless nights, a newborn, a three-year-old, endless laundry, meals, and cleaning, every hour already belonged to someone else.
Somewhere along the way I’d stopped taking care of myself.
I’d forgotten what going to the gym felt like.
I’d forgotten makeup, dresses, heels…
There simply wasn’t room for any of it.
“Carl, I haven’t peed alone in three years.”
“I’m just saying.”
“I know. It’s fine.”
I let it go because I convinced myself he hadn’t meant it the way it sounded.
Back then, I convinced myself of a lot of things.
The next several weeks blurred together.
I pumped in parking lots before meetings, reheated leftovers while bouncing Onica on one hip, and answered Bradley’s endless dinosaur questions before I even managed to take my shoes off.
Carl, meanwhile, perfected one routine.
Sitting on the couch.
“Did you send out any applications today?” I asked one evening while stepping over another pile of laundry.
“I’m networking,” Carl answered without lifting his eyes from his phone.
“With whom?”
“People. It’s not something you’d understand, Nina.”
Like always, I let it pass.
The comments about Alice started as occasional remarks before becoming routine.
Over breakfast.
During coffee.
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